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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day