Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
bras are booby-traps
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion