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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson