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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.