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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.