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No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?