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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.