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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.