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Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.