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I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?