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"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.