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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.