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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”