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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.