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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I wish I had a friend like me
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.