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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words