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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)