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First fart at my new job.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.