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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.