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Iām the kind of guy who dreams about naps while Iām asleep.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.