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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Save time. See it my way.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.