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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
The naked truth is better, than d dressed-up lie :) Aa
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.