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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s