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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
My favorite beer is the next one.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"