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Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.