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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.