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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."