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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
This status has been censored by Facebook
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"