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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me