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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.