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Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.