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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!