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Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.