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I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson