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I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.