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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.