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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
wants to rock and roll all night
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside