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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.