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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.