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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.