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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.