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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
I need more people like me in my life
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.