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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Hi Iām a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I just ran a .003048K
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.