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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I`m tired of things costing money
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.