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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.