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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
Walmart needs observation decks.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.