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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.