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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s