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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.