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great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.