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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.