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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.