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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.