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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
The well behaved rarely make history.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.