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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
That moment when being uncool, is cool