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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.