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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.