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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.