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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.