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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.