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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin