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when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver