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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.