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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?