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Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late