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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards