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Never trust a skinny chef
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.