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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport