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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.