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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.