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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.