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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.