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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.