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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack