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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I`m never free but I`m available.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.