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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?