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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.