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According to my nipples, summer is over
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.