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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.