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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Running behind is my cardio.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time