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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"