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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.