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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Honk if you are reading this.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.