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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?