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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.