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A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.