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Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors