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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.