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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.